Matthew McEver

Issue 20

What Fans Are Saying About
the First TOOL Album
in Over a Decade


Everyone dropped what they were doing
and stared at my stereo.

This album cured my erectile dysfunction.
Tomorrow I start painting again.
The time signatures confused me
into becoming a motivational speaker.
I’m raising my children right.
Thank God I didn’t kill myself.

In high school, I was afraid of TOOL.
In Soviet Russia, we respect TOOL.
This is the feminine version of TOOL.

We waited thirteen years for this?
It’s Metallica’s St Anger, all over again.
I’m really sorry that I fought for this country.

No one cares about your feelings.
Your ignorance of TOOL is hilarious.
They’ve become Norse gods.

This, folks, is their Moby Dick, their Guernica,
their Sistine Chapel.
Walt Disney unfroze himself to hear this.

Source & Method

The lines are composed of phrases culled from the Facebook group, “TOOL Fans,” as well as Amazon customer reviews of Fear Inoculum.

Matthew McEver is a faculty member in the Department of English at the University of North Georgia where he teaches Creative Writing, Composition, and Multicultural American Literature. Last year, he was co-recipient of an Association of American Colleges and Universities Grant for integrating social justice themes into first-year writing courses, and he serves as an adviser for the university’s literary magazine, The Chestatee Review.

Photo by Mink Mingle